Our Fertility Journey Part 1: A Miscarriage on Mother's Day

I have 3 beautiful and healthy children ranging in ages from 17, 14, and 8 years of age.  I had longed for a big family for years, and had accepted that another baby wasn’t probably in the cards for me.  Our second child had some health complications as a baby, which was scary to go through. My husband was content with the first two and finally agreed to have a third after a lot of prayer. I wanted another baby immediately afterwards.....I just love a full house and babies are the sweetest. Years went by and James and I just never got on the same page with expanding our family. 2020 hit and I finally became somewhat content with our sweet family of 5 and thoughts of more babies were quieted in my mind. My husband had a change of heart and decided to place the expansion of our family in God’s hands in late 2022.  It took several months, but in late April 2023, we found out we were pregnant!  I was over the moon and my husband was a little shocked.  We kept this little secret to ourselves for a couple of weeks due to finding out at only 4 weeks and knowing my age was a little bit of a concern (just turned 39).  We planned on telling our children along with friends and family once we had an 8 week ultrasound and saw a healthy heartbeat.  I had prayed for this baby for a long time! At about 6 weeks, I went to get my hair done and our church was having a women’s divine night that afternoon.  I wasn’t planning on going, but decided at the last minute to go.  I ran through the Chick-fil-A drive thru for some grilled nuggets and fries, then drove over to our church about 30 minutes away.  I wasn’t meeting anyone there, but just so happened to find myself sitting with some extended family (cousins and an aunt) throughout the service.  The speaker was Alex Seely on the night of May 11, 2023.  She taught in the book of 1 Samuel in chapter 1 where Hannah is longing and crying out to God for a child in deep anguish.  I felt God’s love and such gratitude for the secret baby I was carrying.  During the altar call, I felt some sudden intense cramps and went to the bathroom.  I thought it was maybe what I had eaten or from the long day of working as a teacher, a hair appt., then being on my feet at church too.  The following day I went to work and didn’t have any complications.  On Saturday, my husband and I dropped our children off at their grandparent’s house and took a trip to my favorite little store in the mountains, Alexander's.  We talked about me being pregnant and baby names we liked for a brief period.  Once returning to my in-law’s home to pick up our children, I went to the bathroom and noticed spotting which scared me because I never had that happen with other pregnancies.  I immediately called my doctor’s nurse line and was reassured to just get some rest and that it was probably normal unless the bleeding was heavy and accompanied by heavy cramping.  I went home and we tried not to worry.  I got up with a positive mindset and pushed through hosting a Mother’s Day breakfast at my home on Sunday morning.  We then proceeded to head to church for the Mother’s Day service.  We watched a beautiful baby dedication and then had some great worship.  I felt some intense cramping and then….in the middle of my church service…..the biggest gush of blood.  We immediately left the service and I knew I had lost my baby at that moment standing in the Mother’s Day service of 2023.  My best friend took my older kids to the pool where we had planned on meeting up for a fun, relaxing Mother’s Day to spend together with our families and my husband and I headed to the local ER.  Blood tests, ultrasounds, and a rhogam shot was administered due my negative blood type.  I thought I would have a clear answer that day with a labeled “miscarriage” diagnosis…..but it was more complicated that I had thought it would go.  Repeated blood tests and screenings were repeated at my OBGYN’s office over the course of the next week until my HCG returned to zero after about two full weeks.  The trauma and emotional pain I suffered was more than I thought I could handle.  I really relied on God…..crying out to him in my shower during the midst of my sorrow and confusion.  I praised him during that storm like I had never before.  I vowed to not grow bitter during this loss and process and knew that he would bless me with a rainbow baby in my near future.  James was a rock and was so supportive through this tragedy. My husband and I began trying again to conceive as soon as my body was ready.  Each month was met with a let-down when my cycle would reappear and the trauma of loss would consume me for a day or two each month.  Although James was strong and supportive, I couldn't shake the trauma. The memories of my miscarriage seemed so fresh with each cycle.  I returned to my doctor to plead for him to grant me some advice, meds, or something to help me conceive faster.  Instead God placed a doctor in my path to point me to Jesus and the words that my husband and I had spoken in his office just a few months prior.  We had had the mentality that God is in control and that our loss was in his hands not ours ... .everything happens for a reason and sometimes we may not know the reason but God is all knowing and will provide this blessing if it is his will.  I was reminded of those words and ministered to in that appointment which was not what I thought was going to happen.  My doctor did give me a referral to a fertility specialist, but also reminded me that my body is strong.  I had “gotten a taste of the forbidden fruit (something I thought would not happen for me) and wanted it at any cost….so I made conceiving my project and sole focus”.....a reminder from my doctor’s perspective of what I was going through as I was expressing my thoughts and concerns with him.  My husband had become just a piece of my project to have a baby....and I was not who I wanted to be as a wife. I left that appointment and vowed to let God take the reins on this. Stay tuned for part 2......